Snow

I find myself frequently yearning for a fresh start. A time where my past doesn't exist, or is at least forgotten. Where my errors, and old perspectives are inconsequential and only my present experience and future outlook matters.

I delete old blog posts, text messages, emails, internet history, and music, all out of a desire to create my own existential 'newness'. To take myself back to a place of innocence, a place I can 'start over' again.

The feeling I am trying to capture is almost similar to what happens when you move far away from your home. No one knows you. Your history, your mistakes. You can create something new. A new identity. And you can make it whatever you want. The difference is that I desire that feeling with the people closest to me.

And that's where I've been wrong. If I were really to have this, I would eliminate the messiness and beauty of intimacy. Intimacy is having the people closest to you know your true self, your true identity. With all your wonders, but also all your faults and mistakes.

I've also realized that this 'fresh start' that I've tried to create for myself is not only wrong but it is a façade as well. A shadow in comparison to the real clean slate that God offers to his believers. This clean slate is different. According to 1 John 1:9 it comes as the ultimate gift: divine forgiveness.

"If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

See, I've been looking in the wrong places. Wishing for the wrong things. This promise fills my desires. And today I pray Psalm 51:7,

"Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow."